BANK of CARTOONS OF THE WEEK!
(rev. 5.12.2015)
CARTOON OF THE WEEK:
Dave Barry’s “What Is and Ain’t Grammatical” Click HERE for the article. 
Click HERE for the official Dave Barry website.
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Dave Barry’s “On College” essay. Click HERE for a copy. Barry’s List of Things to Learn. -
Fed up with technology?Need some good humor?
Try viewing this! Norwegian Help Desk (with English subtitles) http://youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ
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FUN SIGNS! (THESE ARE REAL)
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FOR FUN! read about THE GREAT TYPO HUNT! Armed with Sharpies, erasers and righteous indignation, two apostles of the apostrophe make it their crusade to rid the world of bad signs!GREAT TYPO HUNT WEBSITE: http://greattypohunt.com/REED ON!
A FEW VIDEOS about the GREAT TYPO HUNT:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M55wtTSNJAg
http://greattypohunt.com/?page_id=56http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ncvhn8HUhaM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpVlJJ2z2qI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnBHzdhYV0Q&feature=related
Can you spot typos as well as Deck and Herson? Click here to take The Great Typo Quiz.
Subject: How to Write “Good”
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said,
“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
For a copy of these, click HERE!
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Bowery Poetry Club 2005–Taylor Mali doing “Proofreading” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OonDPGwAyfQ -
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD
Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It faint yours and it faint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Things kids born in 2014 may never know:
1. The post office. Instead of email, someone used to come all the way to your house just to drop a bunch of ads into a box on the front porch. This service was a big money loser.
2. Parking meters. There was a time when you had to pay for parking by putting coins into a little steel box on a pole.
3. Bank tellers. People used to visit a bank branch to make deposits and withdrawals. What a lot of effort expended on something that can be done digitally in mere seconds with no travel involved.
4. Paper statements. Trees used to give their lives so that those who refused to go digital could get bills and other statements in the mail. (See No. 1.)
5. Paper checks. While it was illegal to make your own paper money, it was OK to write an amount of money on a piece of ordinary paper. Once you signed it, it somehow magically became the same as money.
6. Cable TV. Before universal Wi-Fi, there used to be a wire running all the way from downtown to bring entertainment into the house. Judging by the price, you’d have thought it contained a cure for cancer.
7. Toll booths. Before they started charging tolls by taking a picture of your license plate, you had to stop at a booth and either throw money in a basket or hand it to someone. They were kind of like phone booths on the turnpike.
8. Phone booths. Before everyone had wireless phones, there used to be little glass rooms on street corners where you’d go in and use coins to make a call. For some people, they also doubled as bathrooms.
9. Newspapers. In days before everyone had computers at home and in their pockets, printing presses made paper versions of websites. People would then drive around and throw them on your lawn.
10. Car keys. Cars had keys you’d insert into a keyhole in the doors and dashboard to unlock and start the car. Sometimes you’d lock them in, then try to retrieve them with a coat hanger. Other people would stop and try to help.
11. Bookstores. A retail store where you’d go to buy books.
12. Books. There used to be a physical version of e-books made out of paper.
13. DVDs. Before movies were delivered online, they came on discs you’d stick into your computer or a player attached to your TV.
14. Incandescent lighting. This kind of light bulb didn’t last as long or cost as much as LED lighting, but it had a nice glow to it.
15. Fax machines. These devices transmitted a piece of paper to another fax machine anywhere in the world. It worked over phone lines.
16. Phone lines. Before wireless, calls were carried on wires. Like power wires, they were strung everywhere and stopped working during snow and ice storms.
17. Non-digital picture frames. There was a time when a picture frame could only display one picture at a time, so you needed a frame for every picture. Some were better looking than the picture they contained.
18. Cursive handwriting. You’d pick up a pen or pencil and actually write things by hand. Not only that, but the letters of each word were all connected in such a way that it was often impossible to decipher.
19. Camcorders. Before HD video cameras became standard in phones, you had to buy a separate device if you wanted video selfies.
20. Blind dates. In the days before dating websites, people were forced to meet one another any way they could, including being introduced to friends of friends. It was awkward, because there was no way to IM, text, exchange pics or otherwise communicate before actually meeting. The people you met this way usually weren’t as good looking as you.
21. Talking to one person at a time. Before pocket computers, you weren’t required to stay in constant communication via text. Nor was it customary to let everyone you’d ever met know where you were and what you were doing via Facebook. As a result, you’d often find yourself forced to communicate solely with the people in front of you.
22. Driving a car. Before self-driving cars, you had to do it all: gas, brakes, mirrors, turn signals, talk on the phone, text, put on makeup and eat, all at the same time.
23. Setting a thermostat. People used to manually set the temperature in your house.
24. Forgetting someone’s name. Before Google Glass came along, we had to recognize faces all by ourselves, and remember their personal information.
25. Buying music. With Pandora, Spotify, Rdio, iTunes Radio, etc., we have unlimited music libraries that we pay for by the month. Before that, we bought our music one song or album at a time and built collections.
CARTOON OF THE WEEK
March comes in like a ________
and
out like a __________!
VINTAGE WALLY & OLSON
wallenbergsplit2 